Quest for Life!!

Now there is a word that tingles and excites the soul within me and pretty sure it does for many.
And I too, have had my share of the pleasures and the whims of the beautiful word. It can be worthwhile, exhilarating, exciting and deadly. For those who experience it, you know what it mean when I say deadly. **Wink.
Not that it literally means that it causes death.. then again yeah it gives you a heartache that it can be too excruciating than the pain of death. Well that was how it was for me. Because the thought that death was far more better than the heartache itself. I cannot compare what, how death would feel but I figured that could be a resolution to the pain because i didn't want to feel it.

Ok, lets not go back there, why, simply I have learned my lesson and decided to cherish those wonderful moments and keeping smiling to myself thinking it over and over.
Everyone has a past that could be bitter to the core, that sometimes they need to put it away (nicely wrapped, tucked into a box), instead of complaining about the pain and the deadliest (i know it sounds too harsh) encounter in my life.

Life is so like an unbalanced scale most of the time and the funny part is you can never guess which side is the heaviest and why is it so? Because you might end up thinking that the heavier must be the one which is heavy with all the bad memories. Such its heavy like your heart. The other side should be the lighter one because you have put everything away and thus light hearted moment starts.
At times, this will lead you to think about all the positive things that happen in your life might be greater and and at some instances it would be the other way round.

You might just end up at a crossroad thinking and thinking where and why there isn't anything positive or good happening to you...

Well, that's life! Sucks doesn't it.I know because that's how i feel.

However, those were the days where I always used to think that way. The same thought used to repeat itself and I would think that banging my head on the wall was the best way to seek an answer, where its always a futile attempt.
And at some point of time, well we move on. And yes it's taken me longer than it should be. I guess I'm still very skeptical and not too mention conventional too...
Maybe, the wall that's surrounding me keeps me away from everything.. Such as LOVE..Because some thinks the saddest part in my life. But its not for me. I've had fair share of turbulence's without the big letters.

Till recently, I met someone. Someone from a group of friends that I met him while on a road trip to National Park back here.
My oh my can he be a pain.. yes!!
Can he be a sweetheart, yes that too!!
And can he make you laugh?? Without a doubt!!!

Then again something just didn't click. What was it?? Then it me the whole thing reminded me of something.. Yes, its my past!!
Why?????

I guess there is just way to much similarity between the 2 of them, or maybe I see it as similarity or I'm looking for the similarity?

And I guess that was the reason I was attracted to him, which later I realized that it was merely a desperation of myself to fill in the gap that I was feeling...
Yes, after all I'm a normal human being and a women who is simply in her quest for life (which I just figured out)..

At the end of the day what I'm trying to say is that, life took me through many twist, turns, bumps, humps and God knows what else, just for the sake one word "love" and I just didn't have any luck with it...guess I'm just not destined for it or its not my time.

But i realized there is more to life... and now I'm in my Quest for thee!!

In LoVe with LoVe

Have you been in love..

What it’s like? How would you describe the feeling of being in love?
Does it mean you have to be a dreamer, always dreaming away in a far away land..
Does it mean you have to be in a relationship if I asked “have you been in love”

Can’t it be that “I love books, I love food, I love not being involved with someone, I love to dance, I love to talk and importantly I'm in love with love…(too many that I need to stop) and so forth instead of literally being involved in an actual relationship.

I was in a relationship previously and it’s past. The phase of my life has passed on like a moving cloud.

But I have always considered myself to be a romantic and I used to think why is that?

For a simple reason that I love to cherish every moment of life as it is, even while I was in and out of love (relationship technically speaking) as well. Because love and the feel of it just did not seize to mesmerize me.

I’m not shy neither am I naïve to confess, as it was one of the beautiful time/phase of my life and it will always remain the same, even though there was a downfall to it.

Not that it was perfect all the time (if it was I guess I would not be alone now).

I mean how can it be? Cause life is just not perfect in anyway. Is it? We want it to be perfect but want and what it is actually is two different things all together.

There are always ups and downs, like a wild, exhilarating roller coaster ride that one regrets it the moment they sit in. it’s like the most challenging turn or slide or whatever you may call it.

The urge that pushes us to sit in it makes us enjoy the thrill and the excitement of the ride because it makes you feel consummate.

I love to read and constantly get myself a romance based novels at most occasions during my visit to the bookstore. My mom doesn’t fancy it at all, so I do not show what I get most often to her, saving my ears from her.

My twin falls is at the same ground as my mom and does not even look at the books I buy. In fact she has not read any of it thus far. Unless she did it with out my knowledge, Unlikely!!!!

(See that’s a very evident diversity we have for a twin. Two babies’ that shared my moms womb for 9 months. And we are different in many ways).

During my recent visit (I make it a point to do it, every 2/3 months once), I spent quite a hefty ($$$) for the transaction, not to mention the time moving from 1 rack to another searching for books. My legs were screaming and it was not cooperating at all.

I walked out with 5 books, out of 4 which are from my favorite authors. And it was romance novel *tadddaaaa*.

I just enjoy watching love/romance based Movies too. The recent one I enjoyed the most The Vow. It was nice. It was a very light, feel good movie moment.

Because I’m so in love with idea of love, I like to seize every opportunity as it comes. But I’m just not sure if I’m ready to be in love as yet with someone cause that idea still freaks me.

Recently someone was attempting/ trying to take me out.. What’s the term called. Im not sure. Anyways, I liked him we met in a group hiking activity but it wasn’t the sort of like where you wanna go out with him on a date.

He on the other was desperately trying (which was what the whole problem was) to ask me out but not in a suitable way. I’m just not sure how that should be done, but the way he did just didn’t feel good.

So I had to tell him off, that I’m not ready for relationship and do not have any intention for it at the moment as well. It’s not like I hate the lovey doveyy thing. I don’t think I can ever fall out of love but it’s just that I’m so in love with love it self that the idea of sharing it with someone does not seem desirable to me at this juncture of my life.

Is that possible?

I only understood this, after telling him about it. I could not understand or even come to agree with it but that’s what I want, I need and I’m having it for myself for the time being.

Just because I love to read romance book, watch romance movies it does not mean I’m desperately looking for someone to lean on and love. I suppose I will love the one or that one person will look for me when the time is right.

Until then I will be madly, truly be in love with love itself..